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Seriously, what’s sweeter than a dad expressing love for his family? Because we were so thrilled with the love letters we got last Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day, we’ve once again asked some culturatti dads to chime in on what makes their partners great.

We’re in the process of making Tod Abrams our new best friend. He’s just so great. You really need to be reading/watching The Reluctant Daddy. Of course we needed a letter from him.


Dear George,

Below, please find some liner notes to the ‘Do You Love Me?’ number from the all-male version of FIDDLER ON THE ROOF that we’re staging in four weeks time at the Manhole in Long Beach.  I’m thrilled to tell you that I have an entirely new ‘take’ on this Broadway standard when instead of setting our production of FIDDLER in early 20th century Tsarist Russia (which I think is just too damn depressing) we find Tevya (Thomas), Golda (Gerald) and their three smokin’ hot triplets Hayden, Tristan and Bruce are now modern-day WASPs asked to leave their family compound in West Palm Beach because their ‘marriage’ isn’t recognized by the fascistic government of Florida!

Imagine the comedic possibilities when in a stroke of gender-blind casting Yenta (Yale) played by Chaz Bono swings by the family compound hoping to secure a match between the youngest son, sizziling hot bodybuilder Hayden, and Palm Beach’s most well-respected but long-in-the-tooth plastic surgeon, Paul St. Maurice! LOL!  In any case, I’ve taken the liberty of using our relationship as the inspiration for the long suffering Tevya (Thomas) and Golda (Gerald) for the ‘Do You Love Me?’ number, because after 16 years of marriage, 5 different homes, a hopelessly spoiled child, and COUNTLESS therapists, counselors and advisers I can honestly say that the love I have for you is like the mold growing in our shower – it’s ugly, it’s smelly, but no matter how much Tilex I use, that shit refuses to go away!

Faithfully, (What a laugh!)
Tod
Your quasi-legal, recognized only-in-California, sort-of husband.

PS…I’ve decided to call the play DIDDLER WITH A ROOFIE – What do you think?

 

(Thomas)
“Gerald I have decided to give Clay Aiken permission to become engaged to our son Hayden”

(Gerald)
“What??? American Idol was a fluke – even ELLEN won’ t have him on the show for Christ’s sake! He’s washed up!

(Thomas)
“He’s a good man, Gerald.
I like him. And what’s more important, he’ll sing for free at our brunches.
So what can we do?

(now singing)
Do you still love me?

(Gerald)
Do I what?

(Thomas)
Do you still love me?

(Gerald)
Do I still love you?
With our boys getting offers
From every chicken hawk in town,
take a Xanax, have a shot
Go inside, go lie down!
Maybe it’s your alcoholism.

(Thomas)
“Gerald I’m asking you a question…”

Do you still love me?

(Gerald)
You’re a tool.

(Thomas)
“I know…”

But do you still love me?

(Gerald)
Do I still love you?
For sixteen years Illegal aliens have cooked
our meals, cleaned our house, serviced our wheels,
A surrogate was even paid to have our sons
With what we’ve spent, I’ve got the runs!

(Thomas)
Gerald, The first time I met you
Was on gay pride day
I was scared

(Gerald)
You were drunk.

(Thomas)
I wish I could remember.

(Gerald)
In those days you were a hunk

(Thomas)
All those boyfriends who dove for cover
Setting themselves ablaze rather than be my lover
Why would you still love me?

(Gerald)
I’m your partner

(Thomas)
“I know…”
But do you still love me?

(Gerald)
Do I still love him?
After sixteen years, I have a house,
a California mandated live-in spouse,
Facebook says it’s complicated
If that’s not love, then I’m constipated.

(Thomas)
Then you would still ‘friend’ me?

(Gerald)
I suppose I would.

(Thomas)
And I suppose I’d ‘friend’ you too

(Both)
It change a thing
Blow by blow
After sixteen years
It’s nice to know

Tod Abrams (THE RELUCTANT DADDY) an entertainment industry veteran, whose national promotions firm, Alternative Marketing Solutions, represents every major Hollywood Studio, and whose popular blog THE RELUCTANT DADDY is read by thousands of on-the-edge, latte-guzzling mommy-voyeurs each day, takes you on a hysterical adventure of glittering red carpet evenings followed by scary early morning carpools where unfortunately, the children are not only seen, but deafeningly heard. Follow Abrams, his conniving husband George, and their cute-as-a-button yet disturbingly manipulative son Ethan as they turn their married-with-children Hollywood nightmare into the American Dream at thereluctantdaddy.com.

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