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The Queen said she doesn’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, she just wants Kate to have the goddamn baby already. She has her summer hols planned, after all. People are placing bets. It was going to be a race between Kim Kardashian and Kate, but North West arrived early. Okay, I’m just going to write that again: North West.

I know, right? With a name like Precious Chong, where do I get off being judge-y about what people name their kids, but COME ON.

Celebrity babies and pregnancies are equal parts interesting and annoying. Interesting because child-bearing is physical proof that they are (kind of) like us and annoying because they are nothing like us.

I feel you, waity-Katie.

When I was pregnant so was Gwyneth. Me and Gwynnie were all knocked up at the same time! Fun. Fantasies of running into her at pre-natal yoga class and having decaf chai lattes together.

Nope. I was freezing my ass off during my first winter in Toronto. The sublet we were living in smelled like cat pee even though there were no cats, and I had such bad morning sickness that the only thing I could do was eat and eat and eat to make me feel better. I gained 60 pounds. I couldn’t have my hair dyed and I had no real friends in this new city, nor the energy to make any. My winter coat stopped zipping up in February.

I’d glance at People magazine and see blonde and lovely Gwyneth in her flip-flops (bad for the feet, Gwynnie!) and her baby belly walking to Pilates and want to kill her.

I mean at least Kim Kardashian wore that dress to the Costume Gala to make us all feel better about ourselves. It looked like something Prince would wear if he ever got pregnant. It made me almost like her.

And now there is Kate. I like Kate. She’s very pretty. Her family seems nice. But let’s give it a rest. We know she’s unfortunately not going to name the baby something wacky like Royal or Princess or Raspberry Beret. It’ll probably be a girl named Elizabeth or Alexandra or Georgina. Though I think she’s trying to have a natural childbirth and is getting a lot of grief for that.

Garden Party at Buckingham Palace. Just Have The Goddamn Baby Already.

She’s lucky though: up until 1948, when a royal baby was being born there were lots of government officials in the room to ensure no trickery. Can you bloody well imagine? Stephen Harper or Rob Ford in your delivery room. Now, there’s a pretty picture.

Precious Chong is a professional stilt walker and co-host of “Sex and the Single Parent” with Melissa Story. Download it here.

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