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Honey, I’m not even going to get to the cultural appropriation stuff because there’s waaay too much going on there and I’m nowhere near an expert on the subject except when it comes to taking admiration of another culture to slightly uncomfortable places. (I love Jews! I can’t help it!)

But that is not what I wanted to talk to you about.

I wanted to talk to you about all of these people who are all up in your grill (you have a grill, right?) about that slutty dance that you did on MTV and all the ways that you’re being played in the media to be naive, or a fool, or insane, or just a plain old slutty-slutface. They hate you because you humped and bumped your way across that stage without a hint of shame. They think you made a fool of yourself and they can’t understand how you can still sleep at night (or tweet at night, or twerk at night or whatever you’ve been doing since you brought cable television and the entire global media empire to it’s knees).

I don’t think you should feel bad, not at all. When I was your age I was a reckless moron. I was so happy to go from being a chubby ugly duckling to a messy depressive swan that I carried my Slut Card with pride (and I used it up, I used up my milkshake). I have made such a fool of myself trying to be a sexual person that I promise you, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s like this is the first time that anyone has ever seen the anarchy of female sexuality on live television. (Surprise! We are fucking terrifying when we get going. Be afraid!) There is nothing you did on that stupid awards show that I hadn’t already witnessed a hundred times when I watched ‘Spring Breakers‘ last month — and I loved every awkward, slutty, ridiculous moment of that.

You are twenty. Make your mistakes now. Be a fool now as much as you can. Because I’m telling you: It stops being cute by 25, and by 30 it’s just plain unacceptable not to know how much more awesome it is to be incredibly smart.

Just remember, it is impossible to win at this ‘being a girl’ thing! Every decision you make is going to be wrong to someone who doesn’t actually have the right to an opinion about you. (oh, but don’t worry: you’ll hear about it anyway!) Ignore the hullaballoo. Miley, you are obviously looking for something: you are playing with perception and persona and boundaries. The truth is, I think you won on Sunday night. You won because no one will ever see you as that awful fiction, Hannah Montana, ever again. You won because you held your head up high even as your ass went higher.

No regrets honey, just lessons. Now learn.

Carla Mundwiler is assistant editor at Bunch. Follow her on twitter because she rules.

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