I Don’t Care About Your Cool New Stoller
There’s a new stroller out and we don’t care
Big crazy news. There’s a big crazy new stroller out that features lights, an iPod/iPhone charger and an automobile-like dashboard (complete with an odometer, so you don’t break any pedestrian traffic laws). And the oh-so-cool named Origami also features a electronically-powered automatic fold.
Sure, it’s expensive. It clocks in at a cool $900. But that actually isn’t crazy (ridiculously enough) in an over-glutted market of prams that are meant to be strutted, not merely perambulated. The Bugaboo Cameleon fetches over $1100, the Donkey double stroller an eye-popping $1600. So, basically equal to:
- Two university classes for a semester
- A year’s worth of diapers (or a diaper service)
- A conservative weekend vacation for two to New York
- A functional, but extremely used, old car
- Rent for a month / mortgage payment
- Ensuring an entire community has emergency shelter in case of a disaster
The Globe and Mail delves into the gritty business of “aspirational ‘affordable luxury'”—parents showing off their wees in uber-expensive strollers, $450 car seats and $270 baby bouncers. New parents are older, wealthier and have more money to spend on their kids because they’re having less of them.
Here’s the thing. I have stroller fatigue. Forget a tricked out Origami. I want a time machine to go back to the day when there were like, three strollers on the market and all of them cost less than $50. I want crappy wheels, no “suspension” or “cup holders” and muted, dull colours that fade into the background on busy streets. Remember lo-fi? Let’s revive that for the parenting realm. Let’s band together and buy used, beat-up strollers from 1986 and cart them around like they’re the shizzle.
Better yet, let’s forget the notion that strollers are the shizzle at all; because they’re not. They’re basically just carts for kids. If you think about it, there is absolutely nothing cool about them, even if you paid a shitload for them, and even if they have power folding and a Bose soundsystem and they were designed by Alexander Wang. They. Are. Still. Just. Strollers.
My child is not an accessory. My child is not an excuse for other garish peripheral accessories. My kid is just a kid, and her stroller is just a stroller. I don’t care what kind of stroller you have, as long as you’re happy and didn’t go into debt buying it. But it’s not a statement piece, it’s just a banal, utilitarian, everyday object that makes getting places with a baby a little easier.
And if anyone can find me one of these, I’ll take it.
— Jes Watson