Before I had kids, I figured putting on something like Scooby Doo 2 Monsters Unleashed would be a respite from parenting where you could just plonk them down in front of the TV and then go have sex with your wife or something. Ha! I haven’t seen my wife’s vagina in so long it could fall in the woods and it wouldn’t make a sound. But apparently you have to sit with them when you put on a movie. They need the finer points of the plot explained and they need you to be around when the monsters come out.
Advice from Gavin
Gavin is horrified to find Brave is filled with dated Scottish stereotypes
We went to see the movie Brave this weekend with family friends the McCormacks and although the movie was good, it was filled with dated stereotypes about Scots.
We went to see it in upstate New York because ticket prices are about half what they are in the city. We got there early to make sure we got tickets and then had our wives secure a picnic table outside while us dads went to get pizza. The guys at the pizza place said it would be about 25 minutes but we managed to get them down to 20 and that was still enough time to sneak over to the bar next door and down a few whiskies. So we did. Then we had one or two more. Then maybe another – or two.
Gavin McInnes shares his daughter’s precious notes to his family
A lot of parents think their kids are abnormally gifted and cute and that makes it pretty awkward for those of us who do have abnormally gifted and cute children. Our daughter is only five and has already learned to read and write. The notes she leaves us are so precious, you almost can’t read them in public because the squealing will be noise pollution.
As perceptive as she is precocious, my daughter notices that my wife is as easy on the nose as she is on the eyes. My child is a gift from God and sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming.
Gavin McInnes says the suburbs are great for kids
My brother-in-law was in town recently and he was talking about “the intense fun” he and his big sister (my wife) had playing hide and seek in the suburbs with the other kids. “That’s something you don’t get in the city,” he added and my wife shut him up with some quip like, “That’s why we have a place in the country,” because that’s what big sisters do.
But our place in the country is so secluded, the only hide and seek our kids could play is with each other and there’s only two of them. Besides, you can’t really play that game in the forest. It’s way too hard.
Gavin McInnes thinks you should try some fancy pancakes
It’s fairly noble to have a mommy-lie-in day where you get up with the kids and make pancakes but it is downright knightly to make those pancakes into the shape of their choice. The king of said knights is a nobleman named Jim who not only makes hearts and candy canes, he can perfectly replicate a Millennium Pancake Falcon!
1. THIN OUT THE BATTER
Gavin McInnes wants your kid’s birthday party to be awesome
I hate kids parties. It’s a bunch of beta male dads in orange socks talking about politics and the whole thing makes me so uncomfortable, I usually just beg my way out of going in the first place.
That being said, my wife throws about the best kids parties in the world. Our kids are 3 and 5 and I can’t wait until they turn 4 and 6. I obviously enjoy our parties more because it’s my peeps on my turf but I honestly think there is some magic in the parties my wife throws that other kids parties don’t have.
Here are 10 things she does that make her parties way more than bearable:
Gavin McInnes thinks you should listen to the radio tonight
Comedian Tom Shillue has a great family show on SiriusXM channel 96 called Funny Story. It’s a clean talk show version of Kids Place Live and it features Tom talking to other grown ups about their childhood every Tuesday at 5PM.
I’m on it tonight and the topic is Fathers and Sons. Tom and I live in New York where children are not allowed to make gun gestures with their hands in school and playgrounds are filled with helicopter dads who think grass blades can give paper cuts (I’m not exaggerating). We both grew up with scary dads who said things like, “Stop your crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
Gavin’s kids won’t be fooled by any old man man with a big white beard and red suit
This is a tricky thing to discuss publicly because some kids are old enough to read but not old enough to um, know, about a certain thing involving a December event that defies physics. I am referring to a certain gentleman (besides Jesus) who dominates the holiday with spellbinding feats of generosity. Let’s call him “Dorothy.”
Do they really believe in this guy? On Saturday, I took my kids to a tree lighting ceremony where Dorothy was just standing there like it ain’t no thang. He had a bell in his hand and wasn’t really talking to anyone because the whole lap thing was going to happen afterwards. I pointed him out to my kids (3 and 5) and they could have given two shits. I don’t get that. If I threaten to call him when behavior is bad at home, they practically have a heart attack. This trick works any time of the year. Even in July. My daughter once said, “It’s weird how God is Santa’s boss.” They live in awe of his powers but when he’s standing three feet away, yawn.
Gavin McInnes suggests Spider-Man’s Dr. Octopus should rebrand
Hey Dr. Octopus, my son and I were just watching a cartoon of you. In this episode, you spent “months” masterminding a plan to steal a five million dollar ruby. Months? Five million dollars? Why the fuck does Kool Keith like you so much? You are an IDIOT. Look behind you. See those eight robotic arms you invented? Patent them. The construction and military contracts alone would make five million dollars look like a kooky weekend in Rio.
How could you not know that? Is patenting your invention not evil enough? Fine, take the money you make and use it for evil. Take over some African country and I don’t know, use human beings for drug testing or some shit like Kim Jong-il does. There. You just made another $100 billion.
When I was a kid, we’d catch grasshoppers and put them in a grass-filled shoebox with holes poked in the top. You couldn’t see what was going on in there and the only way to check on your prisoners without letting them escape was to wait until they died. When we graduated to frogs and snakes, letting them die in a box is the stuff baby sister’s tears are made of. Even at that early age we knew being an amphibian was not a capital offence so, we’d catch some frogs, stare at their petrified faces for a while, and let them go. BOOOOORIIIIING.
The kids today get something about 360 times cooler. It’s a natural habitat that perfectly mimics the forest and provides a feeding hole you can stick bugs in. We got ours for $25 at WalMart but Amazon always has these things $5 cheaper.