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Gavin McInnes wants your kid’s birthday party to be awesome

I hate kids parties. It’s a bunch of beta male dads in orange socks talking about politics and the whole thing makes me so uncomfortable, I usually just beg my way out of going in the first place.

That being said, my wife throws about the best kids parties in the world. Our kids are 3 and 5 and I can’t wait until they turn 4 and 6. I obviously enjoy our parties more because it’s my peeps on my turf but I honestly think there is some magic in the parties my wife throws that other kids parties don’t have.

Here are 10 things she does that make her parties way more than bearable:

1- BOOZE

When I go to a kids party and there’s no booze, I’m flabbergasted. What do they expect us to do, sip cola and talk to strangers? What is this, a bus stop? You need at least four bottles of wine and a couple of 2-4s to lubricate the conversation. Parents who don’t do this should go to jail.

2- NAME TAGS

Even if you know the person’s name, having “JAMES” in huge letters on someone’s shirt says a lot more than, “You don’t have to pretend you remember my name.” It says, “I’m here to socialize so let’s not get caught up in introductions and get right down to the chatter.” Make sure you buy plenty of sheets of sticky labels and get every single guest branded the second they come in the door.

3- SMALL SPACES

Too often parents will rent some gigantic play area that’s so big, you’re really just bringing your kid to a gigantic play area. Kids don’t really get the idea of playing together but if you cram 20 kids into an apartment or small play space, they have to interact – which is ultimately what parties are all about.

Games like Pin the Tail on the Donkey are great for bringing kids together but it is a huge pain in the ass to set up if everyone’s sprawled over 5,000 square feet of space.

4- GET A MAGICIAN

Don’t just randomly pick some stranger out of the Yellow Pages. Get a guy who comes with references because when a kid magician knows what he’s doing, he blows minds. Again, this stops the chaos for a second and gets the kids all sitting together so they can focus on important stuff like laughing their fucking heads off.

5- DON’T OPEN THE PRESENTS THERE

Make a point of recording who sent what so you can send thank yous later. I suggest writing on the actual gift “From the Harrisons” but don’t open it there. It slows everything down and distracts the kids. It also makes cheap parents like me feel shitty (we don’t like anybody knowing we bought your kid pencils). Stack the presents neatly in the corner and open them after everyone goes home.

6- GET HER BROTHER A SHITTY PRESENT

He doesn’t deserve a present but today is about greasing the wheels, not teaching lessons. Having a jealous melt down at an important event can take hours to recover from so nip it in the bud with a $5 Spider-Man.

7- MAKE SURE THERE ARE WHOOPEE CUSHIONS

Nothing breaks the ice like farts.

8- DON’T CHINCE ON THE BALLOONS

Cheap balloons pop and make kids cry. Get those fancy thick ones that cost a little more and cram your spot full of them. It’s like adding polka dots to everyone’s eyeballs.

Also, if your magician is half decent, he’ll be able to twist the skinny ones into cool animals the kids can play with. These make a nice addition to the Loot Bags (or Goodie Bags as they’re called in America).

9- SHORT AND SWEET

We all remember that blackout zone from our single days when 1AM to 4AM was just a slobbering waste of time. Kids don’t drink or do drugs but the same rule applies. Don’t go over four hours and 2PM to 6PM on a Saturday is just about perfect.

10- PINATA

Every party needs a grand finale and nothing closes the show like a piñata. Kids under 7 are terrible at this game so you have to give them very limited options with a short bat and a piñata on a stick you can push towards them to make it easier. It’s not exactly smooth sailing but after everyone gets a turn and the thing finally explodes, you realize you’re caught up into it too and will find yourself on the floor wrestling with everybody else.

That’s really the ideal scenario at a kids party. Not just kids playing on one side of the room with parents chatting in the other, but kids and parents playing together and fighting over candy.

Gavin McInnes recently published a book of memoirs called How to Piss in Public.

Photo via Gavin McInnes

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